


We’re Going To Stay In Love Somehow

by Reids_Jello



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Hwang hyunjin pov, Hyunjin is sad and kind of rude, If You Squint - Freeform, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin are Best Friends, Love Letters, M/M, Minor Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Seo Changbin, Soft Kim Seungmin, Underage Drinking, abusive Seo Changbin, drugs are not the main focus! just happen to be there, he's just scared, just not cannon, major Hwang Hyunjin/ Kim Seungmin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-08-10 23:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16464470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reids_Jello/pseuds/Reids_Jello
Summary: “You say you love him like it’s a question instead of an answer” Seungmin shakes his head  “you know what Hyunjin, it doesn’t matter you’re worth the wait anyways(On hold)





	1. Hey, I’m Seungmin

**Author's Note:**

> HOWDY! so break my bones is almost over- so I thought I write something cutesy, I mean Changbin is abusive but that’s what you sign up for with momma Ava’s fics- but I do apologize because this is an awful starting place, I started writing it when Hyunjin and Changbins relationship is going to shit, so you only really see abusive Changbin. the pacing is also weird because I have the meat of the story written but not this weird part so I’m sorry it’s all over the place... oh and this is my first time writing a full on story I’m charcter POV so I’m sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOWDY! so break my bones is almost over- so I thought I write something cutesy, I mean Changbin is abusive but that’s what you sign up for with momma Ava’s fics- but I do apologize because this is an awful starting place, I started writing it when Hyunjin and Changbins relationship is going to shit, so you only really see abusive Changbin(the pacing is also weird because I have the meat of the story written but not this weird part so I’m sorry it’s all over the place... oh and this is my first time writing a full on story I’m character POV so I’m sorry

 It’s Tuesday, and we have a new student in my history class.

 

 “Hyunjin, does anyone sit here?” Mr. Park asked. I shook my head in response, he told the other boy to take the seat right next to mine. He looked me up and down just like I did a few seconds ago.

 

 “Hey, I’m Seungmin” he parted his small

Lips and bowed. He had a very sweet face and looked a bit smaller than me in comparison, size wise. I glanced down to the floor and saw his pastel converse with “ FUCK WAR” written in black sharpie on the toes of his high tops. He was wearing black ripped up jeans, with a matching pastel pink tee shirt, and a jean jacket to finish it off. I liked his edgy but sweet look.

 

“Uhh- I’m Hyunjin” I smiled sweetly as if to over compensate for the delay of my response

 

     Over the next few days our teacher had given us an  assignment, where we basically had to map out places we wanted to travel… I think he just wants to keep us busy until we leave for spring break quite honestly. I asked Seungmin to be my partner since he didn’t really have an friends as it seemed plus my boyfriend was and had been absent.

 

 “Okay we have a big decision here Hyunjin” Seungmin hit his fist on the desk to add Emphasis. Ilike how he talks with his hands.

  “What would that be?” I asked flirtatiously even if I wasn’t trying to be.

 

  “We obviously have to Tour the US, so New York? Or Vegas?” Seungmin asked me

 

 “Las Vegas is non-negotiable” I say

 

“Oh really? Please continue and prey-tell” Seungmin voice squeaked

 

 “Well I lived there, and went to to kindergarten in Vegas for starters.” I started “and I went by the name Sam” I tipped my head as spoke and smiled cockily when I finished talking.

 

 “Is that so?” Seungmin asked with a glint of fire in his voice

 

“Oh yeah” I nodded my head and licked my lips

 

“Las Vegas it is” Seungmin laughed and began marking it on the map “and since you got that choice, I get to first dibs on Asia”

 

“Dude, we are in fucking asia” I can hold back my laughter

 

“Oh right” Seungmin looked so cute with that realization- fuckfuckfuck, Changbin is out of school for the time being on a trip for theater and it’s like when he’s not here I don’t have to worry about him seeing me with another guy and freaking out, and I can hug a friend and not worry about him flipping shit thinking they were coming on to me. Maybe I’m just going too far?

 

 “Hyunjin are you okay?” Seungmin snapped me out of my daze    “Yeah I’m fine”

 

 “Okay well we are taking a trip to Tokyo” Seungmin sung, whilst marking our paper. “By all means” I respond. Seungmin is obsessed with Manga and Kung-fu movies, which I personally am not, but it interests me because he’s still very much loves Cherry Filter which is pretty hard-punk and indie compared to that weeb stuff. We spend the rest of class marking our paper, and I’m having so much fun flirting with Seungmin- not having to worry about Changbin, but what if this is what he’s been worrying about? I’ve always been a fast faller but he knew that… I was a anime girl with popping heart eyes the first time I saw Changbin. I went from not knowing he existed to thinking about him all day-everyday for _three years!_

 

 “Okay but hear me out Hyunjin, riding across Siberia in a train would make me an official badass” Seungmin frowned

 

_The final bell rings_

 

 “I’m just saying I think swimming in the Great Barrier Reef would make up for that” I say while helping Seungmin pack up our supplies.

 

 “Oh really? So you’re  totally cool with great white sharks but we can’t go to the Sahara because your scared of scorpions” Seungmin asks while following me into the hallway getting ready to leave for school.

 

“Yes sir” I reply diligently 

 

“Hm, well at least think about it, I’ll see you tomorrow Hyunjin” Seugmin said his departing words and I called after him “Monday” and continued to turn into the other hall. All of a sudden I felt another hand in my shoulder saying “You do know Changbin will never let you go on a around the world trip with another guy?” Felix asks me…. yup Lee Felix, One of Changbins best friends and I guess now one of his spy’s

 

“Fuck off Felix, it’s for our history assignment” I snicker but inside I’m growing agitated and close to spitting fire

 

“Oh- you have Mr.Park too?” Felix asks me

 

“Yeah I do, you nosey bitch” I spit

 

“Wow, take it down a notch I was only kidding” Felix raises his hands into the air

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just you know how Changbin acts” Felix returned with an exasperated laugh “oh Jinnie, I won’t tell him, it’s just a warning” He backed up off of me and I continue to walk out of the school and home. ‘I won’t tell him, it’s just a warning’ bullshit.

 

 Just like any other day I walked home with Day6 blasting through my headphones. My feet stomping the pavement to the beat while mouthing the words. I must look crazy to the passing cars.

Then I felt my phone vibrate through the pockets of my jeans

 

  **My heart**

 How was school babe?

 

                                             Pretty good, there’s a new

                                              kid in our class, he’s been

                                             here since the day you

                                            left… forgot to mention him

**My heart**

About that, Felix texted me about some kid

Your hanging around, is that new kid?? And I thought

We had rules that you can’t be alone with

Other guys, I know how they look at you baby

 

                                                Fucking Felix are you

                                using him to spy on me? he’s just       

                                               my partner for an

                                          assignment your missing

 

**My heart**

Woah woah, baby I trust you, Felix is just

Ensuring things

 

                                       Changbin I love you, just

                                   please trust me enough to have

                                    friends

 

**My heart**

I trust you, just not him

 

                                         You don’t even know him

 

And with that my dearest Changbin left me on read.

   When I made it home, I walked up stairs and flopped on my bed, was I in a weird way cheating on Changbin? I couldn’t could I? I love how I’m asking myself that question while waiting for Seungmin to text me, even if it is just about our project…

 

**Seungmin**

That blonde kid- he was just kidding about your boyfriend being mad right ?

 

                                        You heard that?

 

**Seungmin**

Yeah :/

 

                                    No he wasn’t… Changbin is

                                     something

 

**Seungmin**

By something you mean- _possessive_

 

                            Yeah… but it’s just because he    

                                      loves me and I know that

**Seungmin**

I feel that, I mean what’s not to

love about you?, i barely even know you

And even I can tell your striking

 

I bit my lip and felt my cheeks heat up with blush and pressed my phone to my chest. Shitshitshit. Another message came through

 

**Seungmin**

I didn’t mean to sound weird,

I’m sorry

 

_Fuck_

 

No, no you’re fine

 

**Seungmin**

:) good, I’ll look forward

to seeing you tomorrow

 

                                          Monday*

 

**Seungmin**

Or right ^~^

 

I sat my phone down next to me and let a wide genuine smile spread across my face at the thought of seeing Seungmin again, but that quickly disappeared when I remembered Changbin would be back… he’s going to cause a scene, he’ll be right there, It can’t be just Seungmin and I anymore- besides dance after lunch- I think we have the same lunch period as well, but then again so do Changbin- my boyfriend and I. at least I have those I suppose?

 

                         _________________

 

Flash forward through the weekend and Today is Sunday, the day my boyfriend, Seo Changbin gets back from his drama trip, New York! I should be excited about this… but I’m actually kinda dreading it. Not because I don’t love him, because I do! More than anything- I just don’t want him to be mad at me, and I love him, I just miss the good light parts of love when your crushing hard- I’m a fast faller.

 

  There’s a knock at my window. Changbin. I got up from my bed and ran up to the window, in nothing but black boxers and his Crass shirt he left here one night. I lifted up the window to let him in, before climbing over the ledge he kissed my lips and bid me good morning. Changbin was wearing black jeans with a chain, his burgundy striped grey shirt, along with black combat boots. I ruffled his hair and kissed him again, he grabbed me by my hips pulling me closer before throwing me onto my bed

 

   “Shhhhhh” my parent are still home I laughed

 

  “Then let's get outta here” I could hear the smirk in his voice as he kissed my nose. Changbin peppered kisses around my face as I giggled.

 

 “Where are we going then?” I asked and he buried his face into my chest

 

 “That’s for me to know and you to find out, come on babe get dressed” he slapped my thigh to punctuate, while standing up

 

“Hnnng” I stretched, and then walked over to my closet grabbing a pair of tan shorts and a black turtleneck. “Are you just going to watch or?” I asked playfully, feeling his eyes on me as I removed my t-shirt

 

“I think, but im not sure” Changbin plotted. He ran up to me when I was shirtless and started kissing on my neck and down to my now bare chest. “Hyung-parents” I frowned

 

“I know, baby I know.” I melted whenever he called me baby.

 

“So let me get dressed” I kissed him back on the lips. Shortly after I pulled the dark sweater over my head and zipped up my shorts. “Let’s go Binnie” I shouted whilst slipping on my black vans.

 

Changbin walked over to the window

“Boy is you dumb? we can leave out the front door” I voiced

 

“Yeah I am” Changbin deadpanned

 

We walked down the steps hand in hand, out the door, and into his car.

 

Changbin kisses me, with his hands cupping my face, and that’s when I realize, I’m just flirting with Seungmin for fun ( I think ) I’m not really falling for him because I’ve already fell for Changbin… right?

      

    We get into his black mustang, and he starts driving

 

“Where are we going?” I ask

 

“You’ll see” he smirks at me, then I feel my phone vibrate within my pocket again. _Seungmin_

 

 Changbin starts playing some obscure punk band, but either of us full understand it since it’s sung in English, that’s besides the point. The point is I’m in my boyfriends car texting another guy right next to him.

 

**Seungmin**

What’s up Hyunjin?

I’ve concluded that we must take a trip

To France, for obvious reasons

 

                                          While I agree, may I ask

                                  why? I’m with Changbin

 

**Seungmin**

Pastries and romance duh!

Oh he’s back?

 

                                         Yeah, got back last night

 

“Who are you talking to?” Changbin side eyed me

 

“The n-new kid I told you about in our history class” I mumbled… maybe I should have lied

 

“Didn’t I tell you not to fucking talk to him?” Changbin growled. He tried to reach for my phone and swerved into the parting lane in the process

 

“What the fuck?” I screamed when he hit the break to avoid crashing into the oncoming car. I flew forward into the dashboard, my hands stopping my head from smashing into it.

 

“That’s your fault! I tried to take you out on a surprise date and you ruin it, you always ruin it!” Changbin spit.

 

“The fuck? How?” I shouted loudly- no time to calm down.

 

“If I could trust you, I wouldn’t need to take your phone” he spoke with almost no feeling or emotion at all. Unbothered. He was scarily calm given what has just transpired

 

“Pull over” I spoke softly with demand ringing through my voice.

 

“What?” Changbin shoot me a confused look

 

“I said pull over” I screamed. Maybe I’m overreacting…. I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him, don’t do this. I keep repeating over and over I’m my head. But if I really love him why must I keep reassuring myself of it?

 

Changbin stares at me with shock burning in his eyes, while hitting the breaks, throwing me forward. Before he can even open his mouth my opening the car door. I reach down to the floor, near the vents to grab my now cracked phone.

 

“Go ahead Changbin take a bow, look what you’ve done” I flash him my screen, slam the car door and start walking. I don’t know where the fuck I am it where I’m going.  And as if this can’t get any worse my phone starts ringing. It’s _Seungmin…._ I dreadfully answer the phone. It’s not his fault, Changbin was right it’s mine.

 

“Hello?” I answer the phone with an irritated tone.

 

“Woah, everything okay?”

 

“Yes I’m fucking fine!”

 

“What happened? Did I do something? _Did your boyfriend do something?”_ . I feel guilty for a split second after my response of “No he didn’t! You did! Changbin wouldn’t have almost crashed the fucking car and start acting crazy if it wasn’t for you! Why do to keep calling me? I have a boyfriend” it’s not your _fault..._ so why am

I yelling at you that it is?

 

“Wow, I just want the best for you… I know we’ve only known each other for a short while but- I don’t know I’m sorry Hyunjin” he sounds so hurt

 

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t mean any of that, I’m glad we’re friends- just everything with Changbin has me so-“

 

“Confused?” Seungmin cuts me off

 

“Yeah” I laugh

 

“Where are you?” Seungmin questions probably hearing the passing cars in the background

 

“I’ll share my location with you, cause I really don’t know”

 

“Okay, I can- pick you up if you want”

 

“Oh my god-please”

 

                    ___________________

    Here I was at Seungmin’s House.... sitting on his parents black leather sofa eating ramen-next to him. His house was quite large but comfortable, and a bit rustic. His parents had the walls almost covered in bookshelves, along with an altar in the middle of the living room- which fascinated me, it was so cozy. My house  looked like a fucking pier-one ad because of how my mom has me scrub the place.

 

“He did what?” Seungmin almost started choking on his noodles

 

“Yeah- he's done worse than crack my phone before, like when I was working at the same place as my ex he literally made a scene at my job just so I would get fired and then made it seem like it was my fault... so love that for me” I laughed while picking through my food. I glance up at Seungmin and his jaw is dropped “he really did that?... and you’re still with him?”

  
I never thought about it like that... “I mean yeah I love him”

  
“oh baby” Seungmin said pitifully, I blushed, I always do so easily “what” I looked up “Are you sure he loves you? I don’t mean to sound rude but he treats you so badly”

  
“he loves me!” Right? “I think he’s just scared to lose me and then he freaks out”

 

“I guess Hyunjin” Seungmin continues eating his food

  
I frown into my bowl, taking all of this into consideration... but I can’t leave Changbin I can’t. My mind flashes back to what happened with his ex-girlfriend, Ryu... She broke up with him and he tried to commit suicide, I cannot do that to him.

 

                      


	2. I Slip On A Little White Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start falling in place.

 

 

 

>    Fast forward, and Seungmin has already become one of my closest friends within a matter of weeks. Whenever I’m not with Changbin I’m with Seungmin… which causes most of my _time with Changbin_ to be fighting and then I later have to trying and earn his forgiveness. I basically set myself up to fail, just like I did today.

 

   Monday, we are back to school, And that Includes Changbin. So that means I’m all his during history, my only alone time with Seungmin is in dance class.

 

    Seungmin and I are apart of the spectrum division where we sing and dance, so we are also joint with the Chorus kids and sometimes even the theater kids but that’s quite rare. Theater kids only normally join us during spring and winter show, since that’s when we have Intermediate acts in between songs and performances.

 Anyways this month we’re learning the choreography for DNA, with BTS being a upcoming group and all.

 

    Spectrum kids had first hour class, I was always the first one in the room.    A few minutes after I came in, seungmin had followed. Seungmin walked in, and put his bag down and then came walking toward me. I pulled on my earbuds at the sight of him. He came up to me a presenter me with a stack of papers folded into a tiny card.

  
“Are you writing me a book?” I asked with a sparkle in my tone.

 

“Working on it, no but it all seriousness I hate how things ended yesterday” Seungmin glanced down at his pretty pastel shoes while speaking

  
“Haha funny- Changbin already gave me that line”  
I jokingly punched his arm

  
“What- no i'm apologizing for what I said about him yesterday at my house... not making fun of him if that’s what you’re thinking” Seungmin cleared his throat before finishing

  
“Oh- well apology accepted” I bowed, in front of him.

 

“So were cool?” Seungmin asked

 

“We never weren’t, I’m not mad… you’re right most of the time I’m just too blind to see it” I laughed and it was all truth, Seungmin is the more logical side, that’s why we go good together, he’s the logic and I’m over taken by emotions. In language arts we are learning about ways to persuade and I think about how Seungmin and i are. he’s logos and I’m pathos… and now you’re seeing how scattered my mind really is- and somewhere in between me narotoring all of this in my mind, Seungmin has started speaking

 

“I’m sorry what?” I shake my head, trying to clear my foggy head.

 

Seungmin flashes that smile which had enough light to keep a whole neighborhood lit on Christmas morning.

 

“What I Said was, I’m throwing a party this weekend today kick off Spring Break and I was wondering if you’d wanna come” Seungmin asked, despite only being at our school for three weeks he is already surprisingly popular

    “You can bring Changbin” he continued but his eyes stared and me told me it would be better if I didn’t, and I probably won’t.

 

 And This is where I fall down the hole of telling myself I’m still in love with Changbin. Because when I’m around Changbin everything feels hot , the air is thick and we’re borne out of the dark city streets which are _full of fantasy_ . When I’m with Changbin it feels like I’m at the top of the world and I have everything that I’ve ever wanted before my downfall takes place which is followed by the inevitable and I end up crashing down  of off the tallest skyscraper in New York City. However then when I’m with Seungmin I gaze up at him as he pushes up his silver circle rimmed glasses and my heart starts doing twists and turns through candy hoops. _This is a different type of love_ , everything feels so sweet! The love I feel with Seungmin is young and bright. Although when I’m all alone I question if any of it’s real… or if I deserve any of these feeling-because of how they both cause me feel when I reflect upon them, I end up overcome with a mass amounts of guilt… and  it happens again “hyunjin?” Seungmin calls to bring me out of my daze

 

“Um what? Sorry” I sigh biting my lip

 

“You do that a lot, I can tell you have a lot on your mind, I get it if you can’t come but it won’t be anywhere near as fun if your not there” Seungmin’s eyes filter toward the ground.

 

 “Oh no- I’ll be there” I deliver with a sweet struckin’ smile

 

 Seungmin returned the glance while backing up while whispering “Then we shall have a ball”,  and returning back to his dance bag.

 

A few seconds pass; he’s sitting with his stuff and so am I, the only difference is we are on the opposite sides of the room. _Distance doesn’t matter when your eyes are still talking._ Our teacher comes in and I don’t know why but everything blends together in my head. I am sidetracked. Nonstop blending the lines of reality and imaginary. I zone out and nothing makes sense. All of a sudden Seungmin is touching me, I feel his cold fingertips against my hot skin. Somehow I am the match and he’s the box and together we spark a flame.

   I realize he is just trying to help me with the  hand movements…so I calm down, next thing I know I hear the teacher asking me if I’m okay. I end up Panning back in for a minute with hot blush and telling her I’m fine, spoiler alert and I’m really not cause within 5 minutes Changbin will storm in, He… my boyfriend will see me with the guy he’s desperately advised me not to be around. However I will brush all of this off as  him just helping me in class- which he is but in my mind I lie to myself and say these touches mean so much and I hope Seungmin is telling himself the same exact lie.

 

  “Hyunjin! What do you think your doing?” I hear the familiar voice growl just as predicted

 

 “Excuse me Sir, you cannot just interrupt my class like this” My teacher chimes in- stopping the class from our choreo and places her hands on her hips to add a tone of sass.

 

 “I’m getting my boyfriend” Changbin replies matter of fact, coming my way. He’s small but intimidating- with his bangs parted so a piece of forehead is peaking through, along with the X he slit into his eyebrow two weeks ago.

 

 “You cannot take one of my students” My teacher continued

 

Changbin Ignored her. I’m still in shock and Seungmin hasn’t backed away. Changbin is a and inch away from us scowling in Seungmin face and I’m scared.

 

“Get off him” Changbin growls while tugging on me. Seungmin flashes me an apologetic look, while letting go. Changbin drags me out to the hallway- I already know what’s coming- my teacher still shouting after us.

 

“Care to explain what I just walked in on?” Changbin asked me, knowingly

 

“Um- Seungmin was helping me with the choreography… after all our show is in 2 weeks” I reply timidly

 

“No. He was all over you, and you just let it happen” Changbin deadpans

 

“What?” I respond. Shocked.

 

“He was all over you, what I have I said when I’ve told you I don’t want you around other guys? Especially not _touching you_ ” Changbin asks with almost no emotion being shown

 

 “It’s for my fucking class” I start getting louder and I can feel the eyes from inside the classroom on me

 

“No it’s not, it’s more than that! Do you think I’m a goddamn idiot? Felix and Woojin tell me everything! About your dumb flirting and the fucking notes? What’s up with the love letters cause if you want me to start writing you then I will” Changbin rambled

 

“Are you serious?” I laughed incredulously

 

“Yes” Changbin replied

 

“You are unbelievable” I spoke solidly. I didn’t even wait for a reply and I walked back into my dance class… I’ve been so short with Changbin lately I almost feel bad- meeting seungmin has made everything so clear. Perhaps just not clear enough to do anything about it.

 

_Kill myself._

 

 “Mr.Hwang are we _done?”_ My Teacher Mrs.Jae asks me when I return back inside the room

 

“ _I think so”_ I reply with a Hesitant and almost sad smile.

 

 “Let’s continue class” she shouted, not rudely more of encouraging  actually. She walks back over to the sound system and restarts the song and runs us through it a few more times. After our Second time going through the choreography for DNA, the bell rings… I wipe my forehead with a sweater paw I just made and walk over to my bag- slinging it over my shoulder, our teacher apologizes “sorry time just got away from us”’ shooting me an apologetic glance “I’ll email all your teachers annexplaintion to why you’re late to 3rd hour” she tells us since we are still in our dance clothes and now have to make time to change.

 

 Seungmin grabs my shoulder on our way to the changing room “are you okay?” He asks me

 

 “If i took a shot for everything you asked me that in the time I've known you- I’d probably be an alcoholic” I didn’t mean for it to sound so cold… but it just came out like that.

 

 “Ouch”’Seungmin whispered and took off to the locker room in front of me

 

“Fuck” I whisper and start going after him “Seungmin” I drag while reaching for him arm

 

“Why are you so blind Hyunjin? I’ve been nothing but good for you and trying to be there for you with all your problems with Changbin! And you don’t even-“ His voice started breaking.

 

“What?” I ask- even though I know exactly where this is going

 

“It’s um-nothing, I just hope you’ll learn to help yourself one day… and know you’re not the problem- he fucking is” Seungmin grits, but it doesn’t sound aggressive more _desperate_.

 

I turned my back and went off to my locker guilt simmering in my veins, a feeling that has become vastly familiar these days. I walk through the halls for the rest of the day with this same feeling- maybe I wouldn’t feel this way of Seungmin didn’t actually mean so much to me. I guess he was right; after all I’m typically wrong Changbin can vouch for that. I was wrong to choose you.

 

_Kill myself._

_Kill myself._

_Kill myself._

 

And I’m frozen, there’s nothing I can do…. except act on the highly predictable and return Seungmin’s letter. I won’t allow me to read the one he gave me but instead I’ll recreate one of my own since we both fucked up.

Maybe I can make things right with him, even though I know he’s not hyperfixating on this like I am- and Changbin is going to pretend like nothing happened in when I see him in 7th. Matter of fact he may even take subtle but open shots at me for it, Seungmin being in that very class doesn’t really help my case either. So I do what my dearest ( maybe I shouldn’t phrase it that way but even after trying to pull everything away my heart still spins) Kim Seungmin would do: Write a letter, expect instead of him writing one to me, I’ll write one to him.

 

 ‘ Seungmin-‘ I start writing his name on the paper at lunch, I’m in the library in attempts to avoid Changbin and making everything worse for myself- I’m the reason my world is crashing down. ‘I don’t deserve either of them’ I think and quickly erase his name off the page.

 

  **My heart**

Where are you? I’m at our usual table w/ Felix

 

A message from Changbin comes and flashes across my screen, I quickly reach to turn my phone off… hes the last thing I want to think about.

 

_But then another one comes through_

 

**My heart**

I swear to fucking god if you’re with Seungmin again- I can’t be with someone who doesn’t even care about me Hyunjin! And you clearly don’t

 

I have to respond

       

                                        Changbin, I Do- I’m making up

                                         my test in pre-cal

_I lied. Again._

 

**Changbin**

You know I trust you, right? I just need proof

And rescurence

 

                                     You do realize how contradictory

                                   That statement was? Right?

 

**Changbin**

Pfft

 

I leave him on read and try to continue my letter to Seungmin. I don’t know what else to say besides I’m sorry, so I say just that.

 

_Seungmin———_

_I’m in the library, writing this because I want to apologize for everything that’s been going on since we’ve met- I’m a terrible friend and I wish things could go back to how they were when we were planning our Around-the-world trip in history class. But Changbin is just very passionate about me being his only one and I already know what you’re going to tell me to do but it’s not as simple as that. I’m distancing myself from him and I think I’m doing the same to you. Kid A by Radiohead just came on my playlist and now I’m thinking of you and when he had downtime on stage last week, and Mrs. Jae was late so we were sat on the floor sharing earbuds, your shoulder on mine and this song playing. Sorry for getting sidetracked I’m just sorry, and I’m sorry I don’t always write you back- I’m just afraid. And I’m sorry if this letter seems rambled and that I keep apologizing. But now I must apologize for apologizing too much. And one more time I’m sorry if this seems more like a diary entry then a letter and I’m sorry if there’s too much sorrow in my words, please don’t act different around me… can we go back to how we were in Mr. Parks class? Even if we can be like that in his class?_

                        ———— Hyunjin

 

I refuse to even read over this because I know I’ll never hand it to him in World History if I do that. I let my feeling pour out and if I take notice of that I’ll hate myself. So I fold up the paper in for fours and slip it into my back pocket. Now I’m only my way to the Cafeteria where Changbin awaits my return to the lunch hall.

 

 Luckily for me there was only 5 minutes left of lunch when I arrived, I sat down for 3 and Changbin wrapped his arm around me- asking me how I think I did and cooing in my ear about how smart I am. He peppered kisses from jawline to my temple. See these are the moments with Changbin that make up for what he did at dance. I can’t leave him or this. I hate feeling stuck I just wanna be happy.

 

_Kill myself._

_Kill myself._

_Kill myself._

 

The rest of the day seems to blend together… I don’t know if I’m dissociating or if everything just passes by in my mind too fast for me to care.

 

1:20pm and the bell for me to go to 7th rings. My infamous World Hstory class with Seo Changbin, my boyfriend and Kim Seungmin the boy my boyfriend hates but blends my lines of a shaky heart and glistening eyes.

 

Seungmin and I Are always the first ones in the class, I like to think this is planned on both ends, he speeds to class to get me alone because is sure as Hell do! I enter class and I see him propped up against is desk on his phone, one earbud hanging in his ear loosely, and his backpack on the desk. I start walking toward him and it’s like i feel wind in my hair- like I’m the shitty 90s

rom-coms. My stomach is heavy with anxiety because of the note that feels like a weight in my pocket. Meanwhile my heart is fluttering in my throat.

 

 “I thought it was turn to write _you_ a book this time” I smirk while speaking incredulously, before tucking the letter into his back pocket.

 

I have no clue where this huge flirt comes from- I’m anxiety ridden but in these situations i articulate my words perfectly ( or so I think) because I’ve watched ‘Heathers’ and ‘Some Kind Of Wonderful’ a thousand times and I’ll fight for that kind of teen romance, high school experience that only truly existed in the 80s until the end of time.

Seungmin has a certain kind of glint in his eyes that is almost indescribable, but then… here’s my downfall: I focus on his gorgeous sparkling dark eyes flash to the door behind us. It’s Changbin. Changbin just walked in. I bit my lip in nervousness but a mere bit of temptation, and walked back to the desk before I _knew_ Changbin had seen me.

 

 This is our last week of school before Spring Break starts, luckily Seungmin and I finished up our map project in time for Changbin to return to school, and Mr. Park doesn’t really give a flying fuck so he just puts on National GeoGraphic for us to watch. Changbin is all the way on the other side of the room, on his phone and sometimes glaring at Seungmin… but i’m sitting right next to Seungmin and of course his ass is passing me notes

 

_Hey hyunjin did you know there’s a place in Zagreb, the museum of broken relationships? I read about it, people from all over the world send in objects to tell a story of there breakups_

  
_That’s sad, weird and beautiful. I also can’t help but think it’s some kind of hint_  
\- Hyunjin

 _  
_ _Hint? I mean he is death glaring at me… as we speak, or should I say write? :D_

 

I can’t contain the small smile that breaks out on my face when reading the note, he’s just so cute. _So sweet._ My hand has to fly up to cover my face and hide from Changbin. I’m trying not to let my extreme guilt float back in my mind because I have so much fun flirting with Seungmin and I never want this to end

 

_But… kill myself._

 

I look back at the note Hyunjin placed on my desk about the _Museum Of Broken Relationship_ and I wonder what I would send in for Changbin and I…. it’s an awful thing to think about, especially when he’s only 7 feet away from my mind. Would I send in the Cassette with the song he wrote about me in it or is that too harsh? Instead would I send the Sun necklace he gave me the first night he snuck me out and drove me into the mountains. We star gazed all night and slept in his car- I promise it was much more romantic than it sounds, but he had given my the Sun and he kept the moon. He had gave  me it when we first started dating, a month after he had been hospitalized on a suicide attempt and broken up with Ryu- well Ryu broke up with him. I know I’ve mentioned her before and I sure as hell used to be her biggest competitor. All shades of green with envy! Anyways he told me that I was his sunrise. Everything in his world was as dark as midnight with a crescent moon if he was lucky before I came into the picture. So I guess that would be the piece that would cause me the most damage to keep once we were no longer. I also think that’s one of the big reason I’ve gotta stay with him. I mean too much to him for me to do the same thing Ryu did… he doesnt deserve it. I can’t.

  

“Hyunjin? Hyunjin?” Seungmin was whisper yelling

 

 _Fuck it happened again- I got too deep in thought and zoned out._ Before responding I checked the time and it read 2:01pm, we have approximately 9 minutes before the final bell.

 

“Yeah?” I respond

 

“I’m just checking on you, you zone out a lot” Seungmin states

 

“I do” I reply and turn my head back to the board, National GeoGraphy still being played by now my _I’m pretty sure sleeping teacher_. I can feel Seungmin’s smile, even if I’m not facing him.

 

2:10pm, the bell rings. Seungmin falls Behind Changbin and I, His Arm draped around my waist, since despite what you may think- Changbin actually isn’t tall enough to reach my shoulders. _But damn is a boy strong._

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow babe, I’ve gotta pick up Woojin for our gig tonight, I’ll see you there?” He pecks my cheek and waits for a response

 

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world” I smile weekly

 

He returns the glance and I keep walking, I feel as if someone’s following me but I brush it off and put my earbuds in. I turn on ‘Just Right’ by got7 in attempt to brighten up my mood, when the song switches and allows silence to break I hear thumping feet, and all of a sudden there’s a hand on my shoulder and fading breathe. _I’m about to cross the street_.

 

 I whip around “Seungmin?”

 

“I’m not mad, I could never be mad at you” Seungmin gasps, crouching down propping himself up with his arms on his knees. I pull him up and envelope him a hug. I know it’s small but I’ve wanted to be close enough to him that I could feel his heart beat, like I am now… his tempo is intensified and I know it’s because he just had to chase me down, but I want to think it’s because of the electricity in my touch. My bag drops down on to the sidewalk when I feel Seungmin bury his head into the shoulder of my burgundy sweater. I can feel his lips purse through the thin fabric- his lips on my clothed shoulder.

 

_I slip away_

_I slip on a little white lie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! I made a twitter account for Kpop & my A03 people so please give it a follow!! @Ariesavacado! Also please leave kudos and comments! I really don’t want this fic to flop ;(


	3. Do Our Highs Make Up For His Lows?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here I was; sitting in Seungmin’s bedroom, With a glass of water next to me. I shut my phone off to try and silence the noise, while my favorite brown haired boy tries to calm me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m on break! So get ready for fics to be updated! The next chapter of Break My Bones is currently in the works since I’ve finished this one up!

>  

              I woke up to the default apple ringtone coming from my phone. I was fooled thinking it was my alarm- when actually it was something or _someone_ better. _Seungmin_.

 

**Seungmin**

Still coming to the sickest party EVER hosted by the COOLEST dude EVER to Kick off spring break?

 

           

                                                                           Wait- Park Jinyoung is

                                             throwing a party to kick off spring break??!

 

**Seungmin**

Oww I meant MY party :(

 

                                                        Ik im just teasing, I wouldn’t miss

                                                             YOUR party for the world :^)

 

**Seungmin**

you mean it?

 

                                                        Totally! When should I be over?

 

**Seungmin**

Since you’re a special case, let’s say 7 m’lord

 

                     

                                                                                      M’lord

 

**Seungmin**

Would you prefer M’lady?

*tips fedora*

 

                                                                      GOD YR SUCH NERD!!

 

**Seungmin**

:)

 

              I shut my phone off and laid it on my chest. I stayed there, just staring at my ceiling. Gleaming. Eight hours I’ll be heading off to Seungmin’s house, I haven’t been there since the _incident_ with Changbin… but I’m excited- Seungmin makes me feel so light and at home.

 

                    I got out of my bed and paced around my room- with my heart going a thousand miles per hour… I’ll be seeing Seungmin. I know I’m overreacting and I know I have a boyfriend but, let me tell you Changbin is hours away from my mind. - not to mentions how fun being with Seungmin is! It’s like when your dumb 4th grade crush sits with you at lunch. Soft and sweet- just like Seungmin. ‘What am I supposed to do for 8 hours’ I ask myself inside my head.

 I reach for my phone again- pulling Han Jisung’s contact open, I’ve known Jisung since 6th grade; he was one of the first people I’ve met since moving into this district, not quite sure why it’s taken me so long to bring him up… I guess navigating my way through Seungmin and Changbin has taken up all my cognitive ability and time.

      Anyways Jisung is pretty close with Felix, aka Changbin’s little spy and best friend, yeah _that_ Felix.

 But that’s okay, because  in the end I know my friendship with Jisung matters more to him then all that stuff and he wouldn’t betray me over whatever agreement they have going on… and if if he were going to, it would have happened already, all bets are off on that one.

 

                                                           Hey Jisung! I know you’re

                                                           not in Chorus or dance but

                                                              your coming with me to

                                                               Seungmin’s party, ily

 

**Jisungy**

will minho b there?

                                                         Wow nice 2 know how important  

                                                                  I am… and yes

 

**Jisungy**

Looks like I’m down then ;)

                                                                 Rad, I’ll pick you up at 6 OH

                                                     AND YOU ARE GOING TO MEET      

                                                           SEUNGMIN BAHAHA

 

**Jisungy**

Don’t you have a boyfriend? :^)

 

                                                                             SHUT UP AJKA

 

**Jisungy**

Never </3

 

I am so excited to see watch my

Best friend flirt with this pastel grunge cutie

That I’ve only hear about ;) see ya @6

 

                                                                 FUCK!! SEE YA THEN  

                                                                         SUNGY!! BJAJW

 

I responded to Jisung, who possibly knows me way too well and how this night may go… but he still backs me up, even if I am

 _Emotionally_ cheating on Changbin and just as bad as he is in some ways, but I’m not going to think about him I’m

Just going to think about how I’ll hopefully be glued to Seungmin’s side the entire night. I continue to try and not think about Changbin because my heart is going miles an hour and once I’m able to switch my mind to him, it will be running twice as far with fear. In fear of what he’ll do to _me_ … in fear of what he’ll do to _Seungmin_. I try to push those thoughts away as fast as I can cause’ love shouldn’t be painful or scary… just with Changbin it is, I promise the good times make up for it- or maybe all of this is a contradictory statement in the form of a letter to him. Only if he knew, I suppose…

 

   With each moment i push Changbin further and further away from my mind and let it continue to wander to Seungmin, sweet Seungmin- the boy with the chocolate brown hair and wondrous eyes… Seungmin.

 

                     ______________________

 

 Shit! It’s 5 o’clock! I just saw the time on my phone and sprung out of my bed. I have to pick up Jisung in an a hour for Seungmin’s party and I’m not even ready, so I stop fucking around ( finally ) and try to pick some clothes out. I grab my pair of virtually destroy black ripped jeans, a white SADBOYZ shirt, my jean jacket, and a chain belt to finish everything off.    After I get dressed and am content with my look, I head over to my bathroom which is just down the hall, and I do everything I normally do, like brush my teeth (yes I’m aware it’s now 5:30 in the evening and I’m just now doing this) I also sweep my bangs to the side with some hair molding clay I stole from my mom… and lastly I grab some of the reddish eyeshadow that I also stole from my mom and start to rub it around the corners of my eyes with a thin brush that I… once again stole from my mom. “Wow I look hot” I say to myself in the mirror while shooting finger guns.

 

   I run my fingers through my hair once more, before I grab my phone off the charger and slip my feet into my leopard print creepers and run out the door, with my keys jingling in my pocket.

 

Driving kinda terrifies me and that’s why I rarely do it…. but Jisung lives in the neighborhood over so that’s not too terrible and that’s the main reason I offered to pick him up. I start to shakily back out of the driveway after putting on ‘What Is Love?’ By Twice, they aren’t really my thing and I don’t wanna depress Jisung by playing ‘ _in rainbows_ ’ the entire car ride either. The car ride was short, and i lowkey jammed to ‘Stuck’ by Twice before pulling into His driveway.

 

 I shot him a text telling him i’m here… but he was taking too long so, just as i started getting out of the car he walks out , wearing white washed ripped jeans, a pastel pink T-shirt, yellow shades, and white _Doc Martens,_ along with a black backwards baseball cap

 _… Classic Han Jisung right here._ He jogged over to the passenger side of the car and hopped right in.    

 

        “Well don’t you look fancy” i joked incredulously

He turned to the side in the car so that he would be facing me and slid the glasses down the bridge of his nose “Oh you know it baby” he replied and sucked on his teeth and swung his head to the right  as a way of punctuation. This next part isn’t that important since Jisung and I didn’t too much on the way to _sweet_ Seungmin’s house besides lip sync ( _more like lip scream)_  to Twice.

 

     Once we pull up to Seungmin’s house, I can already tell Jisung feels awkward since he’s never met Seungmin let alone be at his house- but there’s a first time for everything I guess….            We knock on the door Jisung slightly peering behind me. Then Seungmin opens the door and I can already hear DAY6 being blared and the scent of dragons blood incense wafting through the air. Seungmin opens the door with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of gin in the other and wraps his arm around me anyways. He’s pulling me in and shouting “you made it!” My heart is shimmering amd swelling in my chest. Then I notice how Jisung is standing weirdly behind us, Seungmin notices him. “And who is this?” Seungmin let’s go of me and bows to Jisung offering his hand “um Jisung… Han Jisung” he responds timidly “well hello there _um Jisung_ ” he responds while animatedly shaking his head back and forth and then kisses Jisung’s hand. I can already tell Seungmin has had a few drinks from how he’s acting.

 

          I glance around the room and I already see a few familiar faces, Lee Minho in our dance class and one of my closer friends (he is more just Jisungs friend than he is  mine but I still love him, even if he is _weird)_ , then one of the new freshmen, Yang Jeongin he’s one of the ninth graders who somehow landed into our advanced Chorus class. I also spotted Hyuna, she is a senior not to mention fucking gorgeous… um who knew Seungmin would get popular enough to have the queen bee at his house within a month?

 

          “Come on gentlemen, lemme make you a drink” Seungmin pulled me into the kitchen “um I’ll just stick with this” Jisung followed and grabbed a sprite

 

 “Well I’m making you a screwdriver” Seungmin winked at me

 

 “That sounds dangerous” I laughed

 

  “It’s just Orange juice and vodka” Seungmin tells me. He glances at me. “You’ve never has one before?” He raises an eyebrow at me

 

“He’s never had anything before” Minho adds from across the room

 

“Oh my god! Minho get in here!” Jisung shouts and pull him into the kitchen with all of us. An meanwhile I am

blushing furiously since, Seungmin has just helped me get on to the counter and is now inches from my face, wearing spit slick lips.

 

 “Wait is this really your _first drink?_ Seungmin leans against the counter next to where  I’m sitting

 

 I nod “the very first!” I raise the class he handed me

 

“Okay wait” he takes it out of hand and brings Chan Into the kitchen, and some of our friends from Spectrum “ we can’t let him drink that shit” he opens the fridge and pulls out a tiny bottle of champagne, and then grabs a champagne flute from the cupboard

 

“Won’t your parents realize that’s missing” I asks with blush spread on my cheeks. He instead just waves me off, then opens the bottle “there are, like, ten in there” Seungmin pours the champagne, and when I go to reach of the glass and he hands it to me, His fingers brush mine and his touch feels electric!

 

_I’ll kill myself if you break up with me._

 

I take a sip. It’s delicious and cold, wonderfully bubbly.

   I feel warm inside almost immediately, and I take another _bigger_ sip.

 

 “Well?” Chan asks with curious eyes

 

 “A perfect first drink” I say

 

Seungmin grins widely “Success!” But then Someone calls him over and he hands me the bottle while leaning in to kiss my cheek. I am completely flushed with blush- and it’s not just because of the alcohol. I see Jisung from the back with a dropped jaw.

 

 “Oh my god how freaking cute is he?” Jisung says once he’s out of earshot. “Like I’m not even gay but” and his eyes wander

 

 “First off: pretty freaking cute, and two: do you even see how you’re dressed right now?” I laugh

 

 “Well- I’m on matchmaking duty tonight! You and Seungmin for sure!” Jisung shouts

 

    All of sudden we are dancing, and I’m sandwiched between Jisung and Minho. I love my friends. Maybe I was wrong and _they_ actually would save me from _the burning car._ _But then I realize Changbin is the burning car..._ but I don’t want to think about him tonight. I finish my Glass of champagne and pull Minho and Jisung outside with me before I start breaking down after spotting Woojin… this is when I fall apart and let him invade my thoughts, per usual… I can’t even live anymore or take a drop breathe, because no matter where, no matter how far away we are he I always breathing down my neck. Changbin and my love is no longer love, it is pure _fear_ , to every meaning of the word. And Just before we exit to go outside I see Seungmin chatting up Yubin, she’s gorgeous and my heart gets even sadder I know it’s probably nothing after all Seungmin’s supple lips just ghosted over my cheek when we were in the kitchen but he’s tipsy and my eyes are already watering and my heart is shrinking with sorrow as I watch him inch closer- then Jisung tugs me outside.

 

  “Fuck… now I get why Seungmin is so… Seungmin!” Minho shouts while looking around Seungmin’s garden. Then he spots his weird rock zen garden “if I had all this shit I’d be a fucking zen master too!” Minho laughs incredulously

 

 I look at my friends with sad eyes after checking my phone “I don’t love him, I can’t do it anymore, I don’t love Changbin but I don’t want him to hurt himself!” I flash them the text messages that reads

 

   **Changbin**

I’m at your house- your mom said you

Went to some spectrum party and you didn’t

Even tell me? I guess I was right i can’t trust you!

 

**Changbin**

You’re with him aren’t you?

 

**Changbin**

I swear to god! Hyunjin if you break up with

Me I’ll kill myself

 

“That mother fucking bastard!” Jisung shouts “ look what has done to him!” He glances at Minho while flailing his arms, Minho is wearing a shocked expression “you changed his contact name” he spoke seldomly

 

Tears start pouring out my eyes

 

“You cannot stay with him” Minho starts speaking again and starts rubbing my back.

 

“You know he’ll do it! He’s not fucking around!” I start crying even harder while leaning into Jisung.

 

“Then let him” Jisung shouts

 

“Not. helpful. Han.” Minho snaps

 

Next thing I know Chan amd Seungmin are outside with us “Shit! Hyunjin are you okay baby?”

 

 _Baby_ I could melt into the sound of his voice if I could only stop crying

 

“Please don’t call me that” I ask him crying even harder, trying to wipe my eyes.

 

“I’m sorry” he replies leaning down to wipe the tears off my cheeks. I start gasping for air now that he’s out here… now I’m with him and I’m the reason he wants to kill himself and everything feels heavy.

 

“Is he okay?” Seungmin looks to Jisung and Minho. I get up to try and get air are start pacing around his backyard, _frantically_

 

“I’ll get him some water” Seungmin rushes back inside

 

“Hyunjin, do you wanna lay down?” Chan asks calmly

 

“Please” I ask while breathing heavy. Chan puts his arm

Around me and guides me to Seungmin’s bedroom Jisung following behind us.                 Seungmin’s room smells herbal and calming, each of his walls is covered in some sort of astrological tapestry or maps of the world, and above his bed he has masks from all over the world , and pictures of him and his family from all their travels… one at the Great Wall of China too even!      

   Seungmin walks him and hangs me a glass of water “oh… so you like my pictures?” He laugh shallowly and gestures me to come sit on his bed with him. His whole room has a red glow from his lava lamp, of course he has a lava lamp.  “that’s from when I was 13, my family and I had just moved from LA, California and when we were visiting Asia my dad took us to China… I miss when things were like that” he glances down and I couldn’t stop looking at him. I see another text from Changbin and I feel my heart breaking again I’m starting to get sensory overload. I try to shut my phone off so that I can silence the noise, and just focus on Seungmin while sipping the glass of water he handed me.

 

**Changbin**

Did you just go in his room?

Woojin is telling me everything you’re not as

slick as you think you are

 

**Changbin**

I’m coming over, Woojin sent me this

Little fuckers address

 

**Changbin**

Why don’t you love me?

 

**Jisung**

Woojin is here and I think Changbin is too...

 

**Chan**

Are you okay? I think Your boyfriend just got here

 

I don’t know if I’m reading all of this wrong but I lean into Seungmin and place my lips on his cheek or as I am

About to before I hear loud footsteps and the door is slamming open, myy heart jumps up into my throat as I’m jumping back.         It’s Changbin. _Screaming_ . “How fucking could you!” Everything happening so fast and I feel sharp hands on my body and all of a sudden I’m being held against the wall and Seungmin’s mask are on the floor. Changbin is screaming in to my face “ Why don’t you love me?!” I glance to Seungmin who’s in complete shock and unable to move as it seems, but once Changbins hand is off my neck and against my jaw, Seungmin is screaming and trying to get in the middle of us. Changbin knees me in the ribs and let’s go of me- I slide down the wall, _crying_. I look up, and Seungmin is being held onto the bed, Changbin’s hand is around his neck, with his arm Is peering back ready to punch hard enough to snap.   The bedroom door slams open and it’s Chan forcefully pulling Changbin off of Seungmin and almost throwing him into one of the Wiccan styled Tapestries on his wall. I glance at the door while being crumbled on the floor with heaving breaths, I spot Minho, Jisung, Yubin, Soojin, and even Woojin are peering into the room. I start picking myself up while crying sfor the 3rd time tonight, I wipe my glistening cheeks “Changbin, we are over and if you decide to hurt yourself… that’s on you” Changbin glares at me

And for a small second I think this nightmare is finally over but then he is darting to me. Ive fallen back to the ground with shock, but then he starts kicking me as hard and fast as he can muster Into my ribs- this is sure to bruise. Chan, Minho, and Jisung are all trying to pull him off of me, but Changbin does not silence his movements…. and Woojin of course  just watched and i’m burned with hatred and pain… he the reason Changbin is here in the first place. Once Chan finally gets a hold of Changbin, he drags him all the way down the stairs and quite literally throws him out the door… while this night is not over it won’t be the same. Why can’t I just go back to sneaking kisses with Changbin backstage? Why can’t we go back to the days when I saw him as some rock god with a beautiful tragic and hopelessly romantic heart?

 

   For the rest of the night I am glued to Seungmin’s side for an attempt of comfort. Once everyone has left and the only people still in his living room is Jisung, Minho, and I. (oh and Chan but he’s fallen asleep on the kitchen floor with the bottle of Vodka) Seungmin kisses my forehead and starts to apologize for what has transpired almost an hour ago. He then flashes Jisung and Minho a look which makes them start spurting some

Sort of excuse not to be around him and I anymore.

 

  “Listen Hyunjin,” his voice is like butter “ I know you’re not in love with him… and that’s where I come in”

 

 He’s right, I’m not…and  the only problem is he said it out loud and the whole world didn’t fall apart like I thought it would.. I just stared at Seungmin’s bright eyes with nothing but emptiness

 

   “Just please chose me” Seungmin pleads “Changbin hurts you like actually hurts you so choose me” he sounds almost like he’s about to cry while lifting up my shirt to see the area Changbin kneed me in. His eyes were wide at the sight of the yellowing _about-to-become-purple_ bruise. “You cannot stay with him” Seungmin pulled me closer into his chest and I whispered “I don’t want to” against the fabric of his shirt                     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember to leave kudos and comments! Also please share with your friends, cause’ I’m kinda disappointed this one isn’t doing as well as maybe it deserves to be?? I dunno man.... anyways have a great day/ night! 
> 
> Twitter/ @ariesavacado


	4. I Never Meant To Hurt You, Not Changbin, Not Seungmin... Not Even Myself

   “Sometimes my emotions scare me” when Changbin whispered frailly into my ear, I was shook to my core. Maybe he wasn’t blaming me or maybe he was and this was all an attempt to guilt tripping into getting back with him, and if so it worked. I was sucked back in with my heart broken and the weight of blame and guilt was sinking me into the soil of the earth.

 

       I was so fuckng close, and now I’m answering a call of Changbin’s mother telling me he’s been involved in a car accident. My heart sank. He really tried it, and it was all my fault. Truth.

 

   Changbin doesn’t deserve me because I’m unworthy. I thought he had given up, but that’s not the headstrong and arrogant asshole Changbin I know. The absence of endless texts and missed calls should have ran a red flag in my mind. But it didn’t and I am so sorry.

 

  Once I hung up the phone I ran into my mothers room with wet tears on my cheeks. I tried to tame my shrieking, so I could explain what has happened in hopes she’d drive me to see him.

 

  “He _did what?_ ” My mother asked me, if she sounded like that over him hurting himself I wonder what she’d say if she knew about the day before.

 

  “He got into an accident, except it was on p-purpose and I know it! His mom told me it’s miracle he survived” I  hiccupped

 

   “Honey…” my mom sighed “let me get dressed, I’m disappointed in his mother for not telling me first and throwing all of this at you, I understand your 17 but this is heavy”

 

   I nodded my head and tried to dry tears

 

 “Let me get dressed and we will go, I cannot believe Changbin would do this, I know he has problems but he’s a good kid at heart” my mother spoke before entering her bathroom.

 

     _Only if she knew._

 

     On my way to the hospital, I asked myself why I once saw Changbin’s suicide attempt as beautiful and tragically romantic, like a modern day Romeo taking his own life when he can no longer have Juliet. However when it’s you in the situation and the phrase “I’ll kill myself” is constantly being held over your head it’s terrifying and trapping, because I still love Changbin and I always will _it’s just_ the emotional turmoil is not made up for by our good times, the worst is far far more terrible while the good is barley even euphoric. I love him but I don’t know much more I can take. It’s crazy because during freshman year I would daydream of a romance like this ( besides the violence) you know the love where you’d sacrifice anything for your partner even yourself- after all  Changbin was the apple of my eye even back then but now it’s just terrifying and now I hate myself for Romanticizing something as awful as this.

 

      When my mom and I pulled up to the hospital I might as well of tucked and rolled out of the car. I bursted through the sliding doors and sprinted to the information desk “I need-my boyfriend— he’s been in an accident!!” Words tumbled from my lips

 

   The receptionist nodded and calmly starts speaking “what’s his name, sweetheart?”

 

 “Changbin, Seo Changbin” I spewed- almost dry heaving

 

 “Room 208, second floor” she responds

 

  “Thank you” I respond while slapping hands on the desk and making a run for it. My feet are taking my as fast as they can carry my weight it’s barely even noon my hair is disheveled and I’m in a crochet sweater which is seemingly uncrocheting itself, black sweatpants and slip on vans. I must look disgusting to the people I’m next to on the elevator with but the only think my mind can process is the thought of Changbin. ‘ _Please be okay’_ i repeatedly beg inside my brain.  When I find room 208 I take an anxiety filled breath because I know the truth, and the truth is that if I walk into that room we will get back together, and if I don’t His parents will never forgive me. I bolt back down the stairs to find my mother. When she’s in my range of sight she has a worried crunching look            “What happened?” She asks “are they not allowing you to see him?”

     

     How do I even begin to explain? My mother doesn’t know about Seungmin, or the night before, and certainly not about the fact that I tried to end things with Changbin.     “Um mom” I start speaking, “Last night I tried to break up with him” I trail off and she gave me the look of _why would you do that?!_ “There’s so much you don’t know, and it happened at that guys party I went to last night…”     

 

  “That poor boy” my mom spoke whilst staring into my eyes. I felt like I was being ripped apart

 

 “But if I go in there , we will get back together and  I won’t be able to breathe!” My shrieked

 

  “Hwang Hyunjin! I raised you so much better, you are going to go in there and see if Changbin is okay goddamnit! And then when we are back in the car you are telling me everything!”

 

   “But—“

 

  “Now!” Her words alone would have shoved my helpless body into that room.

 

  I am a terrible person, selfish beyond belief, and rotten to the core. I care more about feeling free and being with someone else then checking to see if my fucking boyfriend is okay. I can’t imagine a situation where he would check if I was okay, even if we are broken up ( or were) doesn’t mean I don’t care if you live or die.

 

  I fart back up the steps and softly knock on the door, I hear his mother’s soft voice “come in”    I push open the door and the first thing I see of him, he is laying in the hospital bed. _Oh no! This is all my fault because I’m selfish._ He’s covered in bruises and scratches all over his beautiful face, I’m about to lose it, because I caused this. If I never went to that party and if I never told Mr. park that seat was empty we would have never of fallen out of love and he wouldn’t be in this state! Why am I so stupid?

 

  “Maybe right now isn’t the best time” she spoke again at the sight of my horror. It felt like Guilt was Oozing out of my pores.  

 

  “It’s okay” he  is speaking “I want him here”

 

His Parents say nothing to me while exiting the room, except his mother did give the _how-dare-you-almost-kill-my-son?_ Glare, I’m sorry because not only have I hurt you emotionally and physically but I’ve also destroyed your parents.  

 

  “Chang-“ the words refuse to leave my throat and I’m gasping for air

 

“Shhhh—-“ you try and wrap your short and bandaged arms around me

 

 “Baby, I am so fucking sorry”

 

I had underestimated how messed up I’d be after seeing this, I thought the worst thing would be I’d have to walk out here saying I’m dating Seo Changbin again, but the worse is I’m responsible for all of this, but now all I can hope for is a change. I don’t deserve him.

 

     “Are you completely broken?” I ask

 

    “Just a little banged up, I was out of my mind when I left that dude's house, overcome with anger and self hatred… I’d rather be dead then lose you” he told me, he must have thought it was romantic which I understand but that phrase haunted me _I’d rather be dead than lose you_.

 

  “Don’t say that!” I bark!

 

  “It’s true” he responds.

 

  The doctor said he’s the luckiest kid alive because hitting that streetlight should have killed him just about instantly, and that’s when he responds softly with “that’s what I wanted it to do” my heart stops when I catch my face in the mirror across from the bed, I was wearing the same white look that Ryu was when she entered the practice room last year and broke the news of what he had tried to do.

 

     “Let’s make a deal” he broke the silence of my mind “we stay together until the end of the school year and if you still wanna break up then we will”

 

    “You hit me, and left Seungmin bloody”

 

“C’mon you know I get angry, and you shouldn’t have even been out with him you know how I feel about him” Changbin replied

 

  “You’re angry all the time” I say softly  and you catch my hand in yours before speaking “it’s me or him, and last time you pick him over me this happened” Changbin pointed to the cuts in his face

 

  “Okay” I say “until the end of the school year” I smile weakly, kiss his check and make my exit.

 

  His parents don’t speak a word to me just look disapprovingly at me as I head back downstairs and see my mother with a magazine in the waiting room

 

      “how… are you guys leaving things?” She asks me

 

   I respond with “we are staying together. We’re staying together” I force a smile onto my face while thinking about Seungmin- my heart broke a little bit more when I heard him say _“you cannot stay with him, please choose me!”._

 

I am a coward!

 

 “That’s good” my mom smiled “You have to tell the Seungmin boy, you know that right”

 

“Yes” I frown.

 

    Later that day I end up having to tell my mom everything except I left out the part of Changbin calling me terrible names and what he did to me at the party. Not to mention I am still lying about the bruises he gave me, saying I fell on stage or was kicked in accident in dance.              All my mom has to say is that Seungmin deserved the beating he got. Because he knew I had a boyfriend but still stuck by my side. that angel has done nothing wrong. I still don’t understand why he is so kind to me when I clearly am made from evil.

   My mom gave me the most deeply disappointing eyes I have ever seen, but the only good piece of advice I’ve been gifted is she told me how bright I got when mouthing Seungmin’s name. Compared to how dreary I am when I hear Changbins. She said “if you don’t really love Changbin you shouldn’t be with him, don’t do that to him” but doesn’t she know I’ve tried that? And every time I try to leave him he hurts himself! Why can’t I just go back to the safe haven that was Seungmins arms last night? 

 

   

                                            **To: Seungmin**

                                            Can you meet me at

                                             _Mocha moe?_

 

**Seungmin**

I’ll be there in 20, what’s wrong?

 

                                            I’ll tell you when I see you

 

**Seungmin**

you’re worrying me

 

I’m leaving now

 

      I left him on read, I don’t know why I’m actually shutting him out. maybe it’s because I still do love Changbin and I need this to work out or maybe it’s because Seungmin can do much better and I’ve realized I’m nothing up a burden. 

 

     I’m now sitting in the coffee joint. No I didn’t order anything because I can’t just simply have a drink with Seungmin I have to let him go and not turn back.

 

  I am sitting at the bar facing the window, I see his bright smile before we walks in and takes a seat beside me. I’m still facing the sidewalk but I can feel his gaze.

 

  “What couldn’t you tell me over the phone?”

 

Seungmin voice shakes and he sound sad, and now I’m sad because I’ve caused this. I have made the most angelic being lose the pep in his step and I’ve put the one I was supposed to love in the hospital.

 

  “I don’t know how to tell you this” I speak still refusing to meet his eyes

 

 “You’re scaring me hyunjin” Seungmin’s laughs sounds forced

 

   “I got back with Changbin” I bellowed

 

 “What? Why?” Seungmin scowled

 

 “Because he tried it, he got into a car accident becgase of me!” My voice cracked “and now I’m back with him, I made a deal that would stay with him till the end of the school year—“

 

Seungmin cut me off “why would you do that?”

 

 “What else was I supposed to do?” I shout back

 

 “Hyunjin he fucking hurts you!” Seungmin yells back “and I can’t bare to watch from the fucking bleachers”

 

  “Well guess what you don’t have too anymore!” I scream and immediately go quite.

 

People are staring.

 

“What?” He whispers

 

  “I promised Changbin I wouldn’t see you anymore” I stare at the ground

 

  _Seungmin looks broken_

 

 _“_ Seungmin you are the best thing to of happened to me! And I wish it didn’t have to be like this and I know I’m starting to sound like Changbin but he could have died and it would be on me!” I’m about to cry

 

 “ Hyunjin I’m not mad. I can never be mad at someone that has made my days the brightest. But I do feel broken because you are possibly the only good thing that’s come out of moving here” Seungmin explained “I want the best for you, and if you won’t do it now, I’ll wait because you’re worth it. And I’ll keep writing you letters born from pure fantasy” Seungmin kisses my cheek and gets up from his seat and  leaves without turning back.

 

   
  My hand quickly flew up to the patch his soft lips caressed, I wanted to hide in those plush lips because I am a coward. I went back to the man who now hurt much more than my soul, but somehow Seungmin still finds away to love me and I don’t quite understand how, even after I leave him and tell him in the worse way.  how does a saint like him manage to forgive the evil buried inside me?

 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry about how weird this is- hopefully it will get better! Please leave kudos!!


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